...and I'm Spent...

I disappeared again, didn’t I?

I’m sure a couple of you might have noticed it. I’ve been gone for…almost 2 months now, I guess. Those of you who didn’t notice, probably just did. Sometimes we don’t notice people who have gone until they come back.

Only I’m not sure how long I’m back for.

So…yeah, long story. And since I do have a handful of loyal readers here (or did, before the absence…) and even a couple of people I would dare to call “friends” (even if it is only the internet…) I feel I owe at least a bit of an explanation. As much of one as I can manage, at least.

Now, knowing that I never give the short version of these things, you might want to grab a beverage of your choice and pull up a comfy chair. Get yourself sitiated…

Ready?

Okay. This didn’t start out as a planned absence. Not even close. I had a head cold. A simple plugged up nose…plugged up enough that I occasionally had trouble swallowing. Its amazing how breathing affects swallowing. but I digress…

I’m not the kind of person who generally broadcasts things like that. Sure, they’re miserable, but even the worst cold is a temporary situation. *shrug* I’m no drama queen…I’m not going to blast the details of my snot-ridden face all over the internet for pity or commiseration…or whatever. But, well, I couldn’t breathe, swallow, or think properly so I did have to take a break. I still signed on, looked over the FB page, giggled at a few memes, but kept my interactions at a bare minimum. I figured I’d get back to the virtual world when I felt better. No one would even miss me for a measly week, right?

Then I had a date with my parents to head into The Big City to go to a museum I hadn’t been to in 10-15 years or so. And although it is properly called “The Museum of Science and Industry,” mom and I only really wanted to see ONE exhibit, the rest was icing on the cake. That exhibit?

The Fairy Castle. Oh, yeah…I was obsessed with this thing as a kid. Even had a book, which was apparently lost over the years or over the moves or whatever. Don’t worry. It’s been replaced.

The week after that, was hubby’s vacation. We don’t do the one-big-vacation thing. We rent a car (ours are both easily old enough to legally drink in this state), and do a bunch of little things. First was the family picnic held every year on the weekend of my deceased brother-in-law’s birthday. It’s become more…well, just more…because of the addition of 1/2 BroT and his wife and kids. More fun, more conversation, more foooooood…

Normally hubby and I take my folks out to our favorite day trip tourist trap. It’s chock-full of history, tours, fancy houses, more history, and of course shopping and food. However, lately my folks have been pining to do something different. Guess they’re bored with it. *shrug* So instead we took off without them and dragged my friend along (who had a blast, needless to say). It was an entirely different trip than it is with just he and I or with my parents. Every time we go there, I swear it’s new again…

But we couldn’t leave my folks out. So we packed up the car again on a different day and went south instead of west…and stumbled on a tour of a house…and a garden…that made my soul ache. Seriously. Unending gardens, beautiful…just beautiful…I am quite speechless, truthfully. Looked like nothing from the outside; just another house in another suburban neighborhood. When we got there I was determined to be disappointed. That did not last at all. AND we were quite pleased to find somewhere that actually had proper pork tenderloin sandwiches…something we don’t find in our area very often (except maybe at Culver’s and I refuse to call those “proper”!) Here, I was beginning to think it was an Iowa thing (parents both grew up along the Iowa side of the Mississippi) but I’m suspicious now that it might be a River thing…hmm…

We finished off the week driving about an hour to a popular hunting/fishing store to buy ourselves a real dehydrator. The first one we’d gotten died immediately after the first batch. (What we get for spending only $30 on a dehydrator) At least it lasted long enough for me to figure out how to use it, and that I did indeed enjoy using it, and that it would be a practical thing to buy…before we blew the big bucks on one that will last more than a month.

Those things are not cheap!

After that whirlwind, I realized I hadn’t even been online for another complete week. Thing is, I didn’t miss it. At all.

Then some other things popped up. I attended my first Misa, and I believe I can comfortably say I have a Madrina now. I have a house. It’s weird to say, strange to put it out there publicly like this, but it is true. It was a hard road, and I’m not completely over everything that happened with my Padrino, but I really trust her and feel good about how she handles things. I’m half-ready for another problem to come up…but I think I will always be partially emotionally prepared for that from now on. It was an awful hard lesson learned. Better to be prepared than to be taken unawares.

FiL had some legal issues…that shouldn’t have involved us as they had to do with his former employer…but they did. And do. And that was sucky. HOWEVER…

It got me off my ass. In a big way. The Spirits work, and work fast. And I can comfortably say that if your life isn’t improved by your religion (not perfect…but improved), you’re doing something seriously wrong.

Best yet, Hubby’s starting to warm up. He’s still so hurt by his brother’s death, and all the deaths of all those who have been close to him in his family, but he’s beginning to understand, feel, and take care of his Beloved Ancestors as well. It does my heart so much good to see the healing he’s going through! *sigh*

Then NaNoWriMo hit. And I did commit to it, and although I haven’t posted any updates here or on FB…my current number is 19,390. I’ll be chopping at it again today…and either tomorrow or Saturday. I have been able to get out between 6,000-7,000 words in each sitting of 3-4 hours, so I’m feeling extremely confident that I’ll be able to do this.

So confident, in fact, that I’ve realized that if I just sat down like this twice a week…not only would the first and second book be finished by now, I’d likely be working on the third one. That was a slap in the face; not a violent slap…the kind of slap generally given someone to shake them out of a delusion or stop hysterical women from screaming. You know the kind of slap I’m talking about. A reality slap.

And that’s just it. I realized over the last couple of months that I wasn’t really living my life. “Get busy living or get busy dying” as Mr. Freeman says in “Shawshank.” I spent hours and hours and hours and hours online…either glued to Twitter or Facebook or WordPress or all of the above. Even when I wasn’t posting anything. My life was revolving around the internet…

I didn’t realize until after the sabbatical that even before the head cold, I had lost my passion for this blog. When Real Life started to get so very frantic I finally figured it out. Not only had I broken the Internet addiction, but I discovered that I was so horribly off-track here…so that when things started to slow down (a bit, anyway)…I didn’t feel the urge, the pull to come back here and post. After reflection, I realized why.

See, I haven’t been posting for myself in ages. My focus, for at least a year now, has been on what you want to read, not on what I have to say. Not only that, but because I think of so many of you fondly, and I have this sick need to be liked, I have been withholding my real opinions and feelings on subjects because I simply don’t want to offend or hurt anyone.

I’ve restricted my own freedom of speech. This is so not healthy.

I’ve never wanted to be a “Big Name Pagan,” but the insane need to be liked is so strong in this one…that it seems to override everything else. I get extremely bothered (believe it or not, and I know many people don’t) when I think someone doesn’t like me.

I need to get over that. I’m not in kindergarten anymore, for Pete’s sake.

But I now find myself at a bit of an impasse. I know my audience, and know many of you semi-personally. I know that, although I realize this weakness, it won’t be as easy to defeat as it is to identify. So I’m likely to keep going as usual should I keep this blog.

I could…use this blog for light and fluffy, non-personal, happy-ramblings and bits about writing…

I could…close the comments and just jump in…

I could…let the blog sit unloved for some time until I felt it safe to go back into the water…

I could simply delete it and start over elsewhere, under some other pseudonym and hope this doesn’t happen again…

I’m still undecided. I’ll let you all know when I figure it out.

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